


Learning to Love Without Sake

by Spunky0ne



Series: Learning to Love Without Sake [1]
Category: Bleach
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-07
Updated: 2013-05-28
Packaged: 2017-11-07 04:20:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/426851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spunky0ne/pseuds/Spunky0ne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the wake of the Winter War, Renji takes comfort in the arms of his taichou and finds himself unexpectedly pregnant. But even a surprisingly warm welcome into the Kuchiki family cannot replace love. But can Byakuya learn to love him? Mpreg</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Violet-eyed Curse

"She is in there, Kuchiki-sama," the attendant told Byakuya.

"Very well," he replied quietly, feeling his heart quicken inside as he moved towards the closed door.

He wasn't sure what to expect, but whatever it was flew out the window as he opened the door and saw her standing with her back to him and looking out the window at the sky.

_I can't do this…_

_But I promised her, so I'll make myself. It's only a few steps, and since when did I become such a coward?_

_I have to…_

He froze in place as the girl, who was smaller than Hisana, but had the same hair, and the same sweet reiatsu, turned. Her violet eyes struck him forcefully and it took everything in him to hold himself perfectly still and to look indifferent.

"You are Rukia?" he asked, to break the silence.

"Yes," she replied, her eyes becoming wider and more intimidated as she studied him, "I am."

"I am Kuchiki Byakuya, head of the Kuchiki clan," he said solemnly, "I have come because…"

He shouldn't have paused and hadn't meant to, but it was as though the sunlight that was coming in through the window had gotten too bright, and suddenly, he couldn't remember what he had actually meant to say to her.

"I saw you while I was visiting the classrooms," he explained, "You remind me of someone I used to know…someone I was close to."

"W-was?" she queried, looking at him in a way that suggested she suspected a completely different motive behind the offer.

"Yes," he answered.

The girl looked back at him, waiting for him to explain, but Byakuya wasn't of a mind to go into the details. The details were still much too painful, so he moved past them and right to the point.

"Perhaps it sounds odd," he acknowledged, "but if you are willing, Rukia, I would like to adopt you into the family as my sister. We would see to your graduation from the academy and your placement in one of the Gotei 13 squads."

She stared back at him, blinking as the meaning of his words sank in and appeared to register. She nodded to show she understood, but looked at him with an expression that said she was wondering if he was really there at all.

"I realize that this comes as a surprise," he said, giving her a slow nod, "Why don't you give the matter some thought? My attendants will answer any questions you might have. And when you have made your decision, just send a hell butterfly to inform us."

Something registered in the girl's eyes and Byakuya felt a thin blade of anxiety pass through him.

"This…person I remind you of," she said softly, "You must miss her very much to do something like this."

His eyes closed for a moment and he took a breath to steady himself.

"Yes."

He didn't know what more he would have said had the door not opened and a tall, gangly, peasant youth not burst through the door and into the room.

"Rukia!" he said, sliding to a stop and going silent as his eyes found the noble and widened in recognition.

Byakuya turned an eye to his attendants, by way of saying, Stay here and answer any questions she might have. He kept himself carefully composed and started towards the door, his reiatsu flaring and swelling around him. He had a flash impression of red hair and a harsh, barely controlled, burning reiatsu. He kept his eyes focused straight ahead, but as he passed the tall youth, he couldn't help but hear the strangled inhale, and the thoughts that tore across the young man's stricken mind.

_What is this? This…incredible spiritual pressure. It feels like…it's strangling me…so beautiful…so powerful…kami!_

XXXXXXXXXX

Renji remained frozen in place as the terrifyingly powerful shinigami passed by and walked out the door. He regained his breath as Rukia crossed the room and stopped in front of him. And Renji wasn't sure why he felt like his world was coming down around his ears. He looked dazedly down at Rukia as she haltingly relayed what the Kuchiki clan leader had asked her.

_I guess this explains that feeling I had…_

_Rukia…_

"Aren't you going to say anything?" she asked softly, looking up at him in askance.

It was oddly easy to lie to her, to laugh and speak of how it was great that she was going to live in a noble home. He spouted some nonsense about how she had it made, and if he ever had such a chance of something like that, he would take it in an instant. He knew they were the right words when Rukia's eyes welled up with tears of deep gratitude.

"Oh, Renji," she sobbed softly, "I knew you would understand."

He didn't actually hear her say goodbye. He only felt his heart shatter as it crashed to the floor at his feet.

_Rukia…_

He could almost feel her footsteps in his broken heart as she walked away.

_She's…gone. How could she be here one minute…and gone the next?_

_What do I do now?_

_We survived everything Inuzuri threw at us…but he appeared out of nowhere…and now everything is gone._

_Damn…_

_Damn him…_

_How could he just take her away like that?_

_But, no. It's selfish of me. She has a chance for something better…and she's like my own sister. I want her to have a great life…one where she won't have to struggle so much like we did before. She has that now. And even though it means I can't talk to her or see her, she has what she needs now._

_She doesn't need me._

_Rukia never did…_

He wasn't sure how long it was that he stood in place after Rukia left. His feet began to move of their own accord then, taking him through the darkening halls of the academy, out into the dusky outdoors, past the main gates of the Seireitei and into the Rukongai. He wasn't sure why, after all those years trying to get out of the dank, smelly streets of the lower Rukon, he needed so much to go there again.

He knew she wouldn't be there. No, Rukia was off to settle into a beautiful mansion. He wondered why that man had asked her to let him adopt her…as his sister.

_Is that guy for real?_

He couldn't see how it could be real. Rich, handsome princes didn't just drive up and cart people away, as much as the human fairy tales tried to say they did. But he had seen the man with his own eyes and felt that frightening spiritual pressure all through his stunned body. He had been too taken aback to look too closely, but he had seen the large gray eyes and swirls of raven black hair, the kenseiken and that horridly expensive heirloom scarf.

I just don't understand why her. A guy like that doesn't need some girl from Inuzuri. He could have anyone…anyone at all! Why did he choose her? Why in kami's name did he have to choose her?

Rukia…

He flash stepped faster as the lights continued to dim around him, passing through the upper Rukon and mid-Rukon without seeing them. The streets began to grow narrow and the sour, biting scents assaulted him. The people grew more ragged and their eyes more haunted and sad the farther he went. Finally he stumbled past the broken sign that bordered the town and returned to the streets they had walked together. He wandered through them aimlessly, his heart catching at the sight of every dark haired girl running around in ragged clothes. With a weary heart, he carried himself as far as the river they had sat beside, the tree they had slept in together. He paused on the riverbank, tears streaming down his face, watching as the dying light made a lovely red-orange sheen on the dirty water. Thunder rumbled softly around him, and the sky went dark as the rain began to fall, soaking him to the skin in a matter of minutes.

"Rukia," he whispered brokenly, "Rukia…"

XXXXXXXXXX

Byakuya paused outside of the academy long enough to remove everything except his shihakushou. He handed his things to his attendant and flash stepped away, leaving the wide-eyed youth staring after him. Tears burned in his eyes and he didn't want to have to go back to that cold, lonely place. Even more than that he couldn't face the moment when she would arrive. It had been hard enough to look at her before. To see her while his raw feelings were exposed and making his eyes tear…even if he could hold them back, it was unacceptable.

He knew he should just shut down his emotions. He had done so with perfection in the days following Hisana's death. His family had not been unkind. Despite having objected to their relationship, Once they had accepted that he wasn't giving in, they had ceased to speak their objections and had instead begun to gently urge the two in the direction of having children. Because having a half-noble child from Byakuya was at least as good as having a full noble child not of his line. He was extremely powerful and they expected that any child of his would be as well, so they pestered the couple, gently but persistently to procreate. He had known, of course, that Hisana, because of the difficulty in her life, was somewhat delicate, but he had had no idea that their attempt to make their child would end in the loss of both Hisana and their baby.

It wasn't anyone's fault, really. The family wasn't demanding. Once they accepted Hisana, they did not hold her peasant class against her. And they were genuinely pleased when she became pregnant. None of us had any idea what would happen…that she would deteriorate so suddenly…that we would lose everything. And despite having made that child with her out of love, I cannot help but feel that, by making that child with her, I killed her myself…My love killed my wife and child...

He heard thunder sound and sensed that his attendants were looking for them. And rather than face them while he felt so overwhelmed from having looked on the face of his late wife's sister, Byakuya reached down inside himself and repressed his spiritual pressure, making it so that he could not be sensed. He turned and opened a family senkaimon, passed into it and let it close behind him. He stood for a moment in the darkness of the precipice world, not sure where to go. It seemed that there was nowhere he could go and be himself, to bleed off some of the heavy emotion that seeing Rukia had caused.

I think there is only one place in the three worlds I have been where I have found that kind of peace…

And he turned in that direction, putting one foot in front of the other and moving quietly along the tunnel, Rukia's face still haunting him until the tears overwhelmed his eyes and, being in that odd half-world of the precipice, surrounded by darkness and alone, Kuchiki Byakuya allowed himself a soft, broken sob. And in the deep quiet of the precipice world, it echoed back at him, inviting more. He clung to what dignity he had left and held himself silent after that, moving his feet with more determination. He was grateful for the fact that when he stepped out of the precipice world, it was raining.

He was drenched in moments, but he didn't care. All that mattered was finding that place where he had found himself so many years before…injured, powerless and alone as dark had fallen on a night much like the one he was experiencing. He had managed to take shelter in a dilapidated shack beside the river. And as he had dragged himself inside, he had spotted a huddled figure in the corner of the small shack.

He had to have frightened the daylights out of the girl, even with his power drained away and his body weakened by loss of blood and reiatsu. But even though her eyes held fear, they watched him closely as he collapsed onto the floor and remained there, soaked and bleeding, panting for breath. Then, the next thing he knew, she was stripping his wet clothes away and wrapping a ragged blanket around him, then moving close to him to use the heat of her slight body to warm him. She had no powers to use to heal him and no way to move him, so she quietly bandaged his wounds and simply held him as the rain continued to fall outside.

He knew he was standing where the shack should have been, but the building had long since collapsed, and all that was left were a few skeletal boards littering the ground. He stood in the pouring rain, staring down at the remains of what had been, and wanting to cry like a child.

"Everything is gone…everything…except her. But I cannot even look at her! I cannot even bear the sight of her!"

He splashed down into the mud on his knees, letting hot tears blend with the icy rain and trying to make sense of what was happening.

How can my life look so perfect from the outside and be as devastated as this shack inside…

Hisana…

He should have sensed the ones approaching in the dark behind him. He lashed at himself in the wasteland of his muddied thoughts as something struck him from behind and he crashed down onto the wreckage of the shack. His head ached and spun, keeping him from being able to release the lock he had placed on his powers, that was meant to keep him from being found. He felt cold hands probing his clothing, then undressing him. And as much as it hurt and as much as it left him naked, bleeding and nearly unconscious on the shore of the river, he had the presence of mind to be thankful that they hadn't slit his throat.

He had been stupid coming back and allowing himself to be so careless. And if he died here, it would be his own fault.

Who would have thought that the powerful Kuchiki Byakuya could come to such an end…brought down by common thieves, dying alone and with nothing…not even a shred of clothing.

Perfect…

He was grateful that his misery had left him so cold inside that he didn't even shiver in the absence of his clothing. He only laid upon the sodden ground, lost and unable to lift himself. He closed his eyes and drifted off, some part of him hoping that he wouldn't wake.

XXXXXXXXXX

Renji stood on the bank of the river, shivering with cold and his hair and clothes weighted down with rain. He didn't know when the hair tie had come out of his hair, leaving it to drop down around his shoulders in a dark red, sopping mess. Mud had splattered onto his academy uniform too, leaving it nearly unidentifiable. He knew he was a mess and he didn't give a shit…didn't even know if he wanted to return from this place. He wondered if it was even worth it to return to the academy. He hated thinking about the empty space that would be there, where Rukia had once been.

"Damn…"

He was taken rather suddenly out of his reverie by the sound of nearby voices. His old instincts kicked in and he concealed himself and edged forward, sighing in resignation as he spotted a group of ragged teens looting the body of a fallen person.

He almost walked away.

Almost.

Because it happened every day in Inuzuri. Crime. Loss. Death. Despair. Those things defined this place. And the person on the ground was better off dead if this was where he or she had come to be. It was cold, thinking that way, but it was also the truth.

Or maybe it was a lie he chose to console himself with…

"Shit."

He waited as the teens melted away into the darkness, then slowly approached the naked person they had left behind. He was taken aback by the pale, unblemished (except where they had struck and grabbed it roughly) skin that somehow seemed to glow softly, even in the darkness of the storm. The person was slender, but not bony, like he would have expected and had a fine, delicate build that suggested a kind of breeding one usually didn't see in Inuzuri. Anger sliced through the redhead, thinking that it might have been one of the good Samaritans, come into the town to offer donated food and clothing to the poor people there. Sometimes the streets proved too rough to tolerate even basic human kindness and such people were attacked.

It made him sick at heart…

"Well, at least you weren't raped," he said, by way of consolation, "Pretty girl like you…I'm surprised."

He started to lift the unconscious girl into his arms, then froze as he realized that although the smudged face was as delicate and pretty as the rest of him, the person he was holding was most definitely male.

Male and too damned pretty to be from around here. Looks familiar.

He laughed sarcastically at himself for the thought that crossed his mind.

Looks kind of like him…but it couldn't be…because he's off in his mansion, drinking fine sake and probably screwing his new 'sister' Rukia.

He wanted to throw up at the thought.

What am I doing? Why am I standing here in this dead place…in the rain…holding a beautiful, naked and unconscious man in my arms? Who is this guy and how the fuck did we end up here…together?

He shook his head and sighed, remembering that he had forgotten his identification and hadn't brought any money. He had the clothes on his body and not much else, but he was still better off than the naked man he was carrying. He remembered an old cave, a hideout from his younger days…well hidden. He thought (if he was lucky and the place hadn't been found), that there might be some provisions there. The food would have long since rotted, but he could at least find a ragged yukata to cover his new friend's body before rape became a distinct possibility.

He reached the small cave several minutes later and was surprised and pleased to find, not only a not too threadbare yukata, but a few old coins…enough to buy a loaf of bread in the morning, so that he would have something for the trip back to the Seireitei. He hoped that the guards at the main gate would cut him some slack and let him back in if they saw his uniform.

"Hey, will you look at that? You're in luck, beautiful," he said, picking up a small package of bandages, "And look. A bottle of sake…for medicinal purposes, of course…"

His companion stirred and groaned, prompting Renji to do him the courtesy of dressing him before he could be embarrassed by his nakedness. As the man's wide, unfocused gray eyes opened and fastened dazedly on him, he smiled and bandaged and healed what damage he found.

"I don't have anything for pain, but we do have the sake," he told the man.

His companion groaned softly again, but quietly accepted several deep swallows from the sake bottle.

"Arigato," he said calmly.

Shit, even his voice is beautiful. Who is this guy?

"N-no problem. Who…?"

"It doesn't matter."

He saw the look in the man's eyes then…the deep sadness that seemed to mirror his own. Smiling sadly, he took a few swallows of sake, then shared a few more with the other man. He seemed to drop off to sleep, or at least into some kind of oblivion as Renji kept drinking and his eyelids grew heavy. Having only one blanket and mat, he curled up next to the man, to share their warmth, and drifted off to sleep.

He woke the next morning to find himself naked and alone, his clothing on the floor by the mat and the rest of the room left untouched. He caught the scent of sakura in the air for a moment, then let it out in a long sigh.

"I hope you are okay."

He didn't know why he said it. The man was long gone and he'd probably never be back. And if Renji planned to not get thrown out of the academy, he knew he had to go back to the Seireitei. He got up and started to gather his clothes, then happened to look down and noticed a telltale stickiness on his flaccid member. He shivered at the traces of blood there and along one inner thigh. He was stricken then with a dim memory of pale hands reaching for him in desperation, senseless and wet gray eyes looking up at him…a warm mouth seeking his…slender legs wrapping around him…

Shared misery.

Damn, I wish he hadn't left…

He waited for a few hours, hoping that the man would come back, but eventually realized that he was fooling himself. Shaking his head, he picked up the coins and left the cave and his thoughts of the man behind.

XXXXXXXXXX

Byakuya fled through the precipice world, his head aching badly and his body quivering with cold. He slipped out of the family senkaimon and carefully avoided the eyes of the guards and servants as he made his way to his bedroom and swiftly removed the thin, ragged yukata he wore. He looked at it for a moment, tempted to throw it away, but some part of him wanting to remember.

That sharing of pain I felt…

The gentle eyes…the warm hands…the way he touched me…

Kami…and the gift he gave me!

I don't have to worry anymore. I won't ever have to go through losing a wife or a child again. When I gave myself to him, I bound myself to him. I can only have children with him. And I'll never go back there. I'll never see him again.

"Arigato…" he whispered, slipping the yukata into a hidden corner of his closet.

He slipped into one of his own yukatas and started across the room to his bed. Halfway there, he collapsed and lost consciousness.

He woke in the fourth division two days later, with no idea how he had ended up collapsed on his bedroom floor with a serious concussion…

He didn't even remember coming home from his first meeting with Rukia.


	2. A Lesson in Fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Byakuya attempts to comfort a distressed Renji.

(Years later…after Aizen's fall)

Renji sat quietly fuming at his desk, pretending to give his attention to the work in front of him, while wondering how in the hell the war could be over, Aizen could be sealed away and imprisoned in Central 46 and yet everything else could feel so badly fucked up. His body still ached from being put back together after too much battle and not enough recovery time as they struggled against Aizen's Espadas in their efforts to free Orihime. And having freed her and ending Aizen's treachery, he should, he thought, have felt better, not worse. But he couldn't feel better. He thought he might never feel better.

It seemed oddly as though Kurosaki Ichigo was slowly dying, instead of just losing his spiritual pressure…

It only made things worse that Renji's ginger-haired friend was taking it so calmly. He was actually more calm about it than any of the rest of them. Perhaps with the exception of Renji's taichou. But then, Byakuya seemed to take everything in stride. In fact, Renji had only even known the noble to lose his cool a couple of times. Once…during Ichigo's battle with him, when Ichigo started to gain the upper hand (He had only heard about it afterward from the substitute shinigami). And the other time in Hueco Mundo as Renji had lain, semi-conscious, watching Byakuya and Zaraki go head to head against each other near the still quivering remains of the Espada they had killed. There was something about the eleventh division taichou that really riled Byakuya. They had nearly tangled a few times before, but this time they had let loose on each other and nearly finished each other off. If not for the news that Ichigo and Urahara had defeated Aizen, then they both might have fallen. It was fortunate, he thought, that Unohana taichou had gone back with Ichigo or both taichous involved in the fracas would have faced court-martial for such behavior. But luckily for the two, Kurotsuchi taichou, though disturbed that neither man had died, promised to make wicked experiments out of any of them that breathed a word about the fight.

Renji found an unbidden smile touching his lips, bolstering him as he thought how Byakuya had looked entrancing, using all of his power and throwing himself against Zaraki's relentless reiatsu like that. Despite how he had looked and likely felt afterwards, his taichou was a beautiful fighter. The thought gave him a short respite from thinking about Ichigo. But all too soon, his thoughts were drawn back to the substitute shinigami again.

He sighed in frustration, focusing harder on the report in front of him until his eyes began to cross from the effort, but the dark emotion ate away at him until he felt like he could barely stand it. Just as he thought he had reached the end of his wits, the door opened and Byakuya walked in. Renji noticed the lingering catch in his normally graceful step and the tiny echo of pain in his calm features. Byakuya's eyes immediately drifted to where Renji sat, and the noble frowned.

"Is something bothering you?" he asked, "Your reiatsu is quite riled, Renji."

"No," Renji sighed impatiently, "Well, yeah, sort of. But it's not like there's a goddamned thing I can do about it!"

Byakuya stood still, considering his fukutaichou's words, then sighed and lowered his eyes.

"Nor any of us," the noble said softly, "As yet, there is nothing we can do to assist Kurosaki Ichigo. Rukia and Ichigo's other friends are gathered with him at the manor. I had thought you might go there as well."

"Why?" Renji asked in a low, trembling voice, "To stand around and stare at each other and not talk about it? To hug him and say how sorry we are that he and Kisuke saved our asses and now all we can do is watch the connection between us fade away?"

Renji caught his breath as a flash step sounded and Byakuya suddenly reappeared at the side of his desk, a graceful white hand settling both commandingly and bracingly on his shoulder. He looked up into the calm, gray eyes and suddenly hated Byakuya for being able to take it all so quietly, so placidly…like he didn't care.

"Renji," Byakuya said in that maddeningly tranquil voice, "Even when he cannot see us or sense us anymore…even then, the ties that bind us will still be there."

The words should have calmed him, should have made him stop and catch his breath, but Renji couldn't be calm anymore…couldn't sit quietly and just accept everything as it came. And he couldn't stand it anymore that Byakuya could.

"What the fuck would you know about our connections!" he hissed angrily, "You don't know a damned thing about 'ties that bind…"

"Renji…"

"No…you sit in your pretty manor with servants who do whatever you say. You have everything you want handed to you…a squad of men whose job it is to lay down their lives to protect you, but you don't have those connections! You're not close to Rukia. You barely look at her. You don't look at anyone, Taichou…not even me. You lead your clan, your squad, and you tell the people around you what to do…but when you lie down at night, you lie down alone. Because you don't have those connections. You only ever did once…and when she died…it's like that part of you that could love died with her! So don't fucking look me in the eyes and pretend like you understand! You don't understand SHIT!"

He knew, even as he said the words he didn't mean them. No one knew better than Renji did about the person Byakuya concealed from everyone. And though he had thought that loosing some of his anger would help ease his pain, it only worsened as he caught barest flash of hurt in those carefully controlled eyes. It was gone in an instant as Byakuya's emotional defenses closed around him with an almost audible snap, and he lifted his hand from Renji's shoulder.

He said nothing, but only walked to his desk and picked up a stack of papers, then turned towards his private quarters.

"T-taichou," Renji said in a choked voice, "Taichou, I didn't mean that."

"I will be in my quarters. You may go to the manor if you wish."

Renji watched in silence as Byakuya walked into his quarters and closed the door behind him, then collapsed into a miserable heap on his desk. He tried to work to ease the dark emotion that spun around him, but somewhere between his feelings about Ichigo and the guilt he felt over what he'd said to Byakuya, he had lost his control over himself almost entirely. He finally left the office and stomped into his quarters, slamming the door behind him. He dropped down on his bed, not realizing that the door had not closed properly and had opened a crack.

As he dissolved into nearly silent tears, he didn't see the door across the hallway open, or hear the soft steps that approached his doorway. He didn't see the quiet gray eyes that observed him for several long minutes, before a pale hand pushed the door open and Byakuya entered the room. He closed the door behind him and the sound startled Renji out of his tears and made him look up.

Byakuya stood, silent and ghostly pale against the door, his expression still calm but his eyes uncertain. He waited for Renji to yell at him to get out, to throw something at him, or to say something even more horrid than what he'd said before, but all Renji could do was stare. He stared in silence at Byakuya, stunned at seeing him there, and even more shocked at seeing him dressed in a yukata, with his white throat bared and vulnerable, and his long, sleek, black hair free of the kenseiken and falling unrestrained around his face and shoulders. His hands looked oddly naked without the white fingerless gloves and he couldn't remember ever having seen Byakuya's feet bare.

"My apologies for intruding," he said softly, "but…"

He paused, as though lost for words.

"It's okay," Renji said, sniffing and rubbing his eyes, "I'm kinda used to looking pathetic and weak next to you…you know? You take everything so calmly and I just can't contain myself."

Byakuya remained frozen and silent by the door. Renji noticed suddenly that he was holding a tray with tea and two cups on it.

"Oh," he said, rubbing his eyes again and blinking, "Thanks, Taichou. You didn't have to do that."

Byakuya took a breath and seemed to recover himself. He walked to Renji's bedside and set the tea down, then poured a cup. Renji's eyes widened as he took a bottle that had been concealed behind the tea and added a measure of sake to the cup. He handed the cup to Renji and prepared a second cup the same way for himself. Renji sipped at the sake-laden tea, enjoying the blend of warmth and comfort. He was oddly fascinated at seeing Byakuya drink something besides tea. It finally distracted him enough that the pain in his heart eased, at least enough that he could address the stupid, thoughtless things he'd said before.

"Taichou," he said, looking up and meeting Byakuya's tired eyes, "Look, I'm really sorry about what I said before."

"Forget it."

Anyone else would have missed the very soft catch in his voice and the glimmer of pain that touched his eyes fleetingly, then disappeared.

"No, it was wrong for me to say that…especially me. I know better."

"Let it go," the noble said, closing his eyes and drinking more deeply.

He watched as Renji finished the tea, then refilled it in the same manner as before, and filled his own again. After the second cup, Renji felt numb and empty, and after the third, he could barely keep his eyes open. Byakuya picked up the tray and cups and started to stand. As he moved, a rough, calloused hand wrapped around one slender wrist. Byakuya looked down at Renji's hand, then into the redhead's hazed and tormented eyes.

"Could you…stay?" he asked softly, "I just don't feel like being alone."

_I don't want to be alone anymore either._

"I'm sorry. I know you have other things to do."

_I'm tired of burying myself in my responsibilities to head off the pain…_

"But could you just stay until I fall asleep?"

_Yes…_

"Renji, I…"

"It won't be long. It will just be easier to drift off if I'm not alone."

_I want to._

"So…will you stay?"

"As you wish Renji," Byakuya said, eyes and voice carefully composed.

It took little time at all for him to fall asleep, but Byakuya lingered in the room, studying Renji's sleeping face in the darkness. He tried not to think about Renji's words from before. He knew even when Renji said them that he didn't mean them. But they echoed in his drink-dulled mind and stung him repeatedly. He might have eventually succumbed to the temptation to shed a few tears, but Renji moved uncomfortably in his sleep and startled him out of the indulgence. He looked down at Renji, frowning as the redhead quivered in his sleep and gave a frightened sounding moan. His sword hand clenched and he tossed and turned, mumbling unintelligibly. Then, his eyes flew open and he sat up suddenly.

"Ichigo!" he yelled, grabbing Byakuya tightly, and pulling him close.

The stunned noble froze in Renji's arms as the redhead blinked several times and seemed to realize what he was doing.

"S-sorry," he said in a trembling voice, "Bad dream."

He started to let go, then realized that Byakuya's arms were wrapped around him and not letting go. He met the noble's dark eyes for a long, breathless moment, then felt a hard jolt of disbelief as Byakuya leaned forward and brought their lips together.

The kiss was light and tentative and Byakuya remained composed as he offered it, but suddenly, Renji felt starved for that closeness, and he kissed back, tightening his hands again and tugging on the noble until he fell down onto Renji, still kissing him. Renji's legs wrapped around him, hanging on as tightly as his arms did, as their kissing deepened and suddenly didn't feel like it was enough. He wanted to feel the other man's soft skin against his, to something besides calm in those gray eyes, to just for once, see him lose control.

His hands tore away their clothing, then slid down Byakuya's body, rubbing, caressing and touching everywhere he could reach. And although the noble's dark eyes remained tranquil, he felt the rise of the other man's reiatsu and the thickening erection that moved up and down the length of his. He stopped kissing Byakuya and looked into his eyes, then without warning, he turned and pushed the noble down on the bed and climbed on top of him. His hand found Byakuya's swollen member and held it in place as he positioned himself over it, then forced himself down on it, taking the noble's cock inside him in two sharp, mind numbing thrusts. He froze for a moment at the pain that shot through him, registering even through his drunkenness. Byakuya grabbed his hips and held him still, kissing him and saying something that Renji couldn't seem to hear or maybe he just couldn't understand.

There was emotion in Byakuya's eyes now, but Renji couldn't see it anymore. He lifted himself and began thrusting, hard and fast, his chest heaving and sweat beads forming on his skin. For a moment, he was able to forget everything. He rose and fell on Byakuya's length, shutting out his pain over the friend he was slowly losing, his frustration about feeling helpless…stupid…lesser…weak. He threw his strength into the motion of his body, ignoring the emotions he felt, not seeing the sudden discomfort and concern in the noble's staring eyes. Byakuya's soft sounds of distress at the hands that clenched too hard and the too heavy thrust against his body were lost in Renji's own cries of pain. Finally, the noble's hands grabbed him and pulled him down, holding onto his hips as the cock inside Renji pulsed and twitched in release. The sudden heat that filled him inside struck Renji's senses and carried him over and into oblivion. He felt hot seed splash onto their skin and relaxed on top of Byakuya, enjoying, for a moment, the rush of completion, then falling away into blessed senselessness.

He woke several hours later to find himself alone with just the lingering traces of sweet sakura. He couldn't be upset with Byakuya for leaving. He was surprised the noble had stayed in the first place. And he knew better than to hope that what had happened would ever happen again. Byakuya would be more wary now…and would never let down his guard that much again.

But even so, the man had comforted him…had lowered himself and let himself be used. Just that much, coming from Byakuya, was more than he could have asked. So he climbed out of bed and went to shower, his fingers lingering on the sticky places where their seed had landed. He touched the place where Byakuya's essence had run onto his inner thigh and caught some on his fingertips, enchanted that a part of the noble still stayed with him. He stood under the hot spray, breathing slowly and deeply, his spinning mind recalling flashes of their unplanned coupling. He felt sad inside that they'd had to be drunk to be together like that.

But that was Byakuya…unable to show anything, and only very rarely able to be taken off guard. And Renji was content with just that much. It hurt too much to consider what would happen if they actually fell in love.

Renji turned off the shower and dressed slowly. He left his room and walked out into the office to find Byakuya back in uniform and working quietly. He neither looked up nor spoke as Renji sat down. And neither mentioned what had happened. Each man worked steadily until work hours were over, then each went his way with the usual "Good night."


	3. The First Blossoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renji begins to experience strange symptoms.

"Renji?" Byakuya said, raising an eyebrow curiously as he entered the sixth division office, "Why are you here so early?"

The redhead didn't look up from his work.

"Ah, hell, couldn't sleep," he muttered, "Figured I might as well get something done while I was not sleeping."

"Hmmm," said the noble, sitting down at his desk.

Byakuya picked up a report, frowned and set it down, looked at a few others, then glanced over at his subordinate.

"Abarai…I know I told you that certain reports must be done by your own hand. If you are going to have someone else do them, at least have the same person do all of them so that it isn't so very obvious…although I must say, I do appreciate receiving reports in handwriting I can actually read."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Renji asked, looking up, "I did all of those this morning! I didn't have anyone do them for me."

"Then how do explain this?" asked the noble shaking his head in annoyance and holding up two of the reports, which when held up next to each other revealed two different handwriting styles.

Renji frowned and squinted at them.

"I must have been thinking about different things when I wrote them or something," he concluded.

"I see," said Byakuya, sighing and turning back to his work.

He watched out of the corner of his eye as he and Renji continued to work, and when the redhead brought the next stack of reports over, he scanned them carefully.

_There are at least three different writing styles here…all of them neat and readable? What is going on?_

Without looking up, he quietly scanned his subordinate's reiatsu.

_It seems relatively normal, though slightly low, but that could be lack of sleep…_

A hell butterfly floated into the office and settled on Renji's desk.

"Well?" Renji said, frowning and trying to lift the insect onto his finger, "What do you want?"

The hell butterfly settled on his desk again and began to emit soft beeps.

"Are you going to take that message?" Byakuya said, not looking up.

"Aw, hell, the thing's malfunctioning or something," the redhead complained, "It won't give me the message!"

Byakuya shook his head in annoyance and left his desk. He walked to Renji's and coaxed the hell butterfly onto his finger.

"This is Kuchiki taichou requesting security override and transmission of message for Abarai fukutaichou," he said quietly.

"Abarai fukutaichou," said the third seat's voice, "The seal we placed on that old garganta in Karakura Town broke free again. We have tried repairing the seal, but need a fukutaichou level to set a new one."

"Damn it…" mumbled Renji, standing.

"Do not concern yourself," said the noble, "You have finished everything here anyway. Go and replace the seal and take a long lunch break to collect yourself."

"Oh, thanks Taichou," Renji said, picking up Zabimaru, "You want me to bring you something from the noodle shop? I got kinda hungry this morning and stole your chicken curry."

"You what?" asked Byakuya, straightening and blinking.

"S-sorry Taichou. I was just real hungry and I hoped you wouldn't mind, but you weren't around to ask…and I couldn't go out, because it was too early to order that stuff. All of the shops were closed, and…"

"But you despise spicy food…"

Renji shrugged.

"I don't know," he said, "I guess I just…"

"Never mind," the noble said, waving off his answer, "Just bring me something then."

"Okay Taichou," Renji said, starting towards the door.

Byakuya glanced up at him for a moment, then looked back at his work. A moment later, his eyes widened and he looked up at the redhead, squinting.

"Is uh…everything all right, Taichou?" Renji asked, startling him.

"Wh-what? Oh, of course," Byakuya said, blinking several more times and returning to his work, "It was nothing. Get moving, Renji, before menos grande start breaking through that seal. And give Rukia my greetings."

"She's still in Karakura Town?" mused Renji, scratching his head.

"Yes, Abarai, we discussed this yesterday," Byakuya said reprovingly, "Have you forgotten already?"

"Oh…that's right," Renji said, blushing slightly, "Sorry, Taichou…it slipped my mind."

"Hmmm…" Byakuya said.

Renji walked out and closed the door. A moment later, Byakuya looked up thoughtfully at the closed door.

_I must have imagined it. For a moment, it looked like the tattoos over his eyebrows disappeared…_

_Odd…_

XXXXXXXXXX

Renji sighed softly as he left the senkaimon and dropped down into the park near Urahara Kisuke's shop. It felt odd going back to Karakura Town after having avoided the place for so long. He knew that staying away was pointless. He was always going to remember, even though he stayed away. He had told himself that a thousand times, and if that wasn't enough, Byakuya had told him the same thing several times more.

He flinched uncomfortably at the twinge he got in his abdomen as he thought of his taichou. It seemed to happen whenever Byakuya crossed his mind…a small, painless twinge, a quiver in his reiatsu.

Renji was suddenly distracted out of his thoughts as he realized he was looking at Kurosaki Ichigo.

He froze, staring as the youth walked in his direction, then turned and made his way down to the shore of the river. Renji bit his lower lip, considering, then followed him. He paused several feet away, studying his friend and giving a sigh of longing.

"I know you can't hear me," he said quietly, "but we haven't given up. Rukia is stationed here now. She's working with Kisuke to try to figure something out. I'm uh, sorry…that I haven't been around…not that you'd notice, but I feel kinda bad about it. I just wish you'd look at me. I wish you'd at least look around and say you could feel my presence. Damn…I hate this. Ichigo…I really hate this."

He drew a soft, surprised breath as Ichigo's head lowered and he spoke in a very soft voice.

"I don't know if anyone's there…but if you are, then I'm glad. I miss being able to see and talk to you. But it's okay, you know. I chose this. I did it to protect the people I care about…and I'm not sorry."

"I know," Renji said, resting a hand on a shoulder that couldn't feel his touch, "and I don't regret it either. Thank you, Ichigo."

He turned and walked away, hating himself for the tears that ran down his face.

_I can't seem to stop doing this lately. And it's not just about Ichigo. Everything seems to hit me harder, for some reason._

_What is wrong with me?_

"Renji?"

_Shit…_

"Yeah," he said, looking away and brushing at his eyes, "What're you doing here, Rukia?"

"Probably the same thing you are. I wanted to see him. He always walks this way."

Renji shook his head.

"Try again. I'm here because the seal on the garganta near here that I set way back whenever decided to come unsealed, so I came to fix it."

"Is that why you were crying?" she asked softly.

Damn it…never could get anything past her…

"It's okay. I cry about it sometimes too. It helps to get it out of your system."

"Does it?" he asked gruffly.

"Yeah," she went on, "But if you really want to start to feel better, you should talk about it with your friends. You've been hiding for long enough. Nobody's stupid enough to think that you aren't as broken up as we are about this, even though you try to stay away and to pretend it didn't happen. But the truth is…that until you deal with it…look it in the face, it's going to keep knocking you down like this. It's not going to get any better if you just keep doing the same dumb thing."

"Screw you, Kuchiki…" he muttered, "You and your idiot brother…"

"Hey!" Rukia yelled, kicking at him and barely missing as he stepped back, "What do you mean, talking about my brother that way! It's bad enough you said that about me! But don't you dare bring Byakuya into this!"

Renji caught his breath and dropped to his knees, the air going dark around him. His head spun and Rukia's voice went quiet.

_What's happening?_

_Did I…pass out?_

_Why?_

He drifted in the darkness for what seemed like a long time, and he figured that it must have been about half a day, when he opened his eyes and found himself in one of the rooms at Urahara Kisuke's. He looked up at the window, noting that night had fallen and groaned, knowing that Byakuya would probably get after him for not taking care of the seal…and for not returning as expected.

"Great…" he sighed, sitting up.

The door opened and Tessai walked in, carrying a tray bearing tea and warm cookies.

"T-tessai?" he queried.

"Yes," the man said, nodding, "Urahara-san said that you needed an energy boost. You lost consciousness because of low reiatsu. He restored it, but he said that some tea and sweets would perk you up a bit."

"Ugh," groaned Renji, "I have to get back. Taichou will be all over my ass about not resealing that garganta."

"Kuchiki Rukia took care of that, and she told your subordinates that you had taken ill. They took word back to Kuchiki taichou and he replied to us that you should stay here tonight and only return in the morning if we checked you out and you were all right. He also told us to remind you…"

"Augh…that he wants me to go to the 4th and get checked out. I keep telling him, last time it was because I was injured in a battle…and I haven't been sleeping well. I'm fine. I'll be fine. I mean, Kisuke didn't find anything really wrong with me, right?"

"Well, no," admitted Tessai, "but that doesn't mean that you are necessarily fine. In any case, have some tea and rest. Rukia-chan will be by to see you later."

That's a good reason to try sleeping…

"Uh, okay, thanks," Renji said, nodding and taking a cookie from the tray.

Tessai watched to make sure that he finished the first cookie and some of the tea before bowing and leaving him alone. Renji was surprised that he finished the whole plate of cookies and all of the tea before dropping off into a comfortable slumber.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Oh…" Renji groaned, coming awake in the early morning darkness and clenching his abdomen.

He stumbled to his feet and went into the bathroom, then dropped to his knees and emptied his stomach. He reached up and turned the water faucet on and tried to be quiet so that the others wouldn't hear him.

_The last damned thing I want is to have them hovering over me all day. I just ate too many of those stupid cookies or something, but they'll act like there's something wrong with me. I have to get outta here before they all wake up…_

He stayed on his knees until the discomfort left him, then flushed the toilet and washed his hands and face at the sink. He looked into the mirror as he finished and let out a surprised yelp.

_Wh-what the hell?_

He opened his yukata and studied the tattoos on his chest, blinking and staring, hoping that what he had seen in the mirror was a mistake. But the tattoos had taken on a blurriness around the edges.

_Kami!_

He staggered out of the bathroom and back to the bed, grabbing Zabimaru and sitting down cross legged on the bed. He balanced his blade tip down and focused, reaching out with his mind to connect with the nue inside the sword.

"Zabimaru?"

There was no response.

"Oi, Zabimaru! Wake up, you bastards!"

There was another long pause.

"Is that you, Renji?" yawned the baboon, "Why are you bothering us before noon? Hollows to kill?"

"No, damn it! Tell me, are you guys fucking with me or what?"

"Eh? What does he want now?" complained Snakey, "You have a bad dream about getting smothered by her huge butt?"

"Shut up!" the baboon snapped, "Our idiot master has a problem! What's the problem, Renji?"

"Did you do that, just now? Did you mess with my tattoos?"

"What? We were asleep. Why would we…?"

"You'd better not be screwing with me, you stupid asses!"

"Eh? What're you talking about, Renji?"

Renji looked down at his chest and blinked in surprise.

What the fuck? It looks normal now. They have to be playing games with me!

"Very funny, assholes!" he thought, cutting off the connection before the two spirits could object.

"I can't believe I let them screw with me like that…" he muttered, sheathing his blade.

He saw light on the horizon outside and dressed hurriedly. Afterwards, he slipped out the window and walked back to the park where he had seen Ichigo. He stood for a moment, watching the sun rise, then opened a senkaimon and crossed back over into the Seireitei. He walked slowly back in the direction of the sixth division, enjoying the cool air and the peace and quiet. He didn't know why, but everyone's voices around him seemed to be unnaturally loud lately. Sometimes, even their thoughts were too loud. It was nice to be alone and to let his mind go blank for a while.

He reached the sixth division and found that, once again, he had arrived at work befwrongore Byakuya. But as he sat down at his desk, a hell butterfly floated up to his desk and set down on it, ignoring him, as the last one had.

"Well?" he said gruffly, "What do you want?"

"This is a private message for Abarai Renji," said Byakuya's voice.

"Gah! I AM fucking Abarai Renji!" he shouted, "Give me the damned message, will you?"

"This is a private message for Abarai Renji," Byakuya's voice repeated.

"Augh! Damn!" the redhead yelled, slowly banging his head on his desk along with the words, "Damn…damn…damn, what's wrong with me?"

He shot a tiny shakkahou spell at the hell butterfly, which flitted out of the way, scented his reiatsu, then finally yielded his message.

"Abarai fukutaichou," said Byakuya's voice, "I have taken a detachment to provide relief to the Hueco Mundo outpost, but will return this afternoon. If you arrive at the division and receive this message before I return, please remember to check in at…"

"AUGH!" yelled Renji, "AT THE FUCKING FOURTH DI-FUCKING-VISION! I FUCKING KNOW!"

He jumped out of his chair and fled the office, flash stepping back to his apartment, locking himself inside and throwing himself back in bed.

_Great…I left my blade at the division… Can I just fucking die now?_

_Ah, he would have known I got the hell butterfly anyway. I'll just take a couple of days off and tell him it was just the flu or something._

_Maybe he'll forget about the fourth division._

_I hate that place, just fucking hate it…_

_It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the needles._

He barely managed to get to the bathroom before he threw up, just from thinking about needles…


	4. A Little Loss of Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renji is shocked when Byakuya introduces him to someone new.

"Ungh…" Renji groaned, rolling over and barely managing to position his head over the trashcan by the bed before beginning to retch, "Oh…gods, why won't this go away!"

He finished throwing up and sat on the edge of the bed, panting from the effort of being sick. The room spun around him and everything went dark. He woke later and found himself collapsed on his bedroom floor, and with a painful lump on his head where he hit it when he fell. He crawled back into bed and tried to summon a hell butterfly. He laid in bed, waiting, then trying again…waiting, then trying again until he finally drifted off to sleep. When he woke, he found a hell butterfly hovering beside the bed.

"Oh," he grunted, "Now you decide to show up, you stupid little…"

He broke off as Unohana taichou's voice rose out of the insect.

"Abarai fukutaichou, I wanted to inform you that Kuchiki taichou's unit just returned from Hueco Mundo. Kuchiki taichou was injured in a skirmish there, so you will need to assume command of the squad…"

He didn't hear the rest of the message, but exploded across the room and threw on the first uniform he could find. He rinsed his mouth out and dashed out of the apartment, flash stepping out of the building, down the street and all of the way to the fourth division. He burst inside, reaching out with his senses and finding a touch of Byakuya's reiatsu to follow. He swept past the front desk, down the hall and paused outside the door to what he sensed was Byakuya's hospital room. He heard Unohana taichou's voice inside, then Byakuya's and he pushed the door open. To his surprise, Byakuya stood, fully dressed and looking unhurt, in the middle of the room.

"I thought you were…"

"Pardon us for our underhanded methods, Abarai fukutaichou," said the healer smiling, "but Kuchiki taichou informs me that you have not been…"

He flash stepped, but found the door blocked by Byakuya.

"Wha…?" Renji yelled, "You two freaking lied to me? About something like that? You two are crazy! How could you lie about something like that! You scared the hell out of me, making me think my taichou was in here dying…"

"No one ever said that I was dying," Byakuya corrected him calmly, "And it wasn't a lie. I did have a minor injury that required me to be brought here for treatment. However, when I relayed to Unohana taichou that I had concerns about your health and she remembered that you hadn't come to the fourth division for your latest health check…"

"It was my idea," admitted the healer, "I thought it would be easiest on us all to not have you overthink things before coming here. Otherwise, you might never have come here at all."

"You got that right," Renji muttered, scowling as he turned back and sat down on the examination table.

"Kuchiki taichou and I will step out for a moment so that you can undress," said Unohana taichou, heading for the door.

"Go ahead," said Byakuya, "I think it would be better if someone made sure he doesn't slip out the window while our backs are turned."

"Damn," grumbled Renji, "You think of everything, don't you?"

Byakuya turned away as Renji slipped out of his shihakushou and into a white yukata.

"So, what happened in Hueco Mundo?" he asked, trying to make conversation to take his mind off of the examination, "How were you injured?"

"Oh," said Byakuya, turning to face him as he sat back down in the edge of the examination table, "You know that Soutaichou has opened up a dialog with the heirs to the former hollow royal family, ne?"

"Yeah, I remember you saying something about that before."

"The idea is to settle the hollows and to gain some level of agreement so that we can coexist in relative peace. There will, of course, continue to be skirmishes, but it would be better than the chaos that they have there now."

"Your right about that," Renji said, nodding, "But what were you doing that got you hurt?"

"I was traveling in an official capacity, as leader of one of the noble clans. A group of us were going to assist in the installation of the new hollow king. The noble clans are most knowledgeable about such things, so we were sent to see that things went smoothly and followed correct procedures. Of course, there are a few rogue groups that do not favor the return of the hollow monarchy or the interference of shinigamis in their government. Our envoy was attacked and I sustained injury while protecting my fiancée from the rogue hollows."

"Your…?"

He broke off as the door opened and a tall, slender young man with dark, wavy black hair and pretty, green eyes stepped into the room with them. Renji couldn't help staring as the light caught his hair and lit the ends a lovely bluish hue.

"Gomen nasai," he said, lowering his eyes, "I did not mean to intrude. I will wait outside."

Byakuya shook his head and shocked Renji nearly out of his yukata by giving the other man a gentle, accepting nod.

"Abarai fukutaichou is comfortable with me," he assured the man, "And besides, as you and I are to be handfasted, I think it proper for you to know those working most closely with me. Renji, this is Aomori Tomio, my fiancée. Tomio, this is Abarai Renji, my fukutaichou."

Tomio extended a hand in greeting and Renji accepted it.

"It's good to meet you, Abarai-san," said Tomio, giving him the hint of a smile, "Your name is well known among the nobles."

"Oh?" said Renji, curiously, "Why?"

Tomio glanced back at Byakuya.

"Well, it isn't just anyone who is responsible for the well-being of the greatest leader of the noble houses. Byakuya-sama's safety is of utmost importance. That wouldn't be entrusted to just anyone."

"Well," Renji chuckled, "I don't do so much protecting really. He pretty much takes care of himself."

He found himself instantly charmed by Tomio's genuine smile. The younger noble turned back to Byakuya.

"Yes, he does, doesn't he? But I am glad to know someone so strong is protecting him when he goes off to battle."

"Y-you aren't in the military?" Renji asked.

"No," answered Tomio, "I am a member of my family's noble council, and we are expected to forgo entrance into the military and to focus our efforts on clan matters. But when Byakuya-sama and I are handfasted, I will also be installed as his bodyguard."

"Tomio," Byakuya said quietly, "Abarai fukutaichou and I won't be long here. Why don't you go down the street and await me in my quarters at the sixth division? You can make yourself comfortable there while I see to this."

Tomio smiled and inclined his head respectfully.

"Of course, Byakuya-sama. Nice to have met you, Abarai-san."

Renji stared as the younger noble slipped a hand into Byakuya's and offered him a light kiss on the cheek before departing the room. He started to say something, but was stopped as Unohana taichou returned to the room.

"My apologies for keeping you waiting," she said, smiling, "Now, let's have a look at you."

Renji sat quietly, but clenching the edge of the bed with tightened fingers as the healer quickly conducted a brief examination. As usual, he didn't mind so much the poking, prodding and questions so much, but he started to have second thoughts about the questions as he realized that Byakuya was still there.

"Kuchiki taichou has said that you were experiencing some oddness…perhaps with your tattoos, and your handwriting?"

"Oh…well, yeah, maybe. But I think it was just Zabimaru having some fun. I'm fine," he said, shaking his head.

"What about your collapse in the living world?" Byakuya asked pointedly.

"Wha…? Well, I was still kinda recovering," Renji stammered, "And I got sick to my stomach from something I ate at Urahara-san's. That jerk was probably experimenting on me or something. I tell you, I feel fine. Nothing's wrong with me."

"He also had low reiatsu…" added the noble.

"Hey, we all did after the fighting in Hueco Mundo," objected the redhead, "I don't think that…"

"It was low enough that a hell butterfly wouldn't give him his message," Byakuya went on.

"I see," said the healer, "I think, just to be on the safe side, I will run a few minor tests."

Renji started to object, but froze as the fourth division taichou's sweet smile suddenly gave him warning chills.

"I'm sure Abarai-san appreciates that his taichou is concerned for his health. Now, hold still. You will just feel a pinch while I draw some blood for the tests."

"B-blood tests?" Renji said, cringing, "Ah, I don't think we need to do that. Uh…"

He tried to hold still as she wrapped a hand around his arm, but launched off the examination table before the needle could touch him.

"Are you crazy?" he yelled, "That needle is fucking huge! I'm not letting you put that thing in me!"

He reached the door and found it blocked by Byakuya, then flash stepped towards the window, but found himself brought down onto the examination table as Byakuya took hold of him from behind and placed a kido lock on his wrists.

"Oh, hell, that not fair!" cried Renji, "What are you guys, a couple of nuts from the psych ward? You're not making me…!"

His voice fell away as a repressive kido froze him in place. He could still move his eyes and used that to glare up at Byakuya.

"I hate you," he groaned as Unohana taichou closed in on him, "I'd like to take Zabimaru and blast you to bits…traitor!"

"I hope you're not being rude to Unohana taichou," Byakuya warned him.

"No!" snapped Renji, "I meant you, Taichou! You deserve a good pounding for this!"

"Well," said Byakuya, "Our training will need to wait until you are over whatever this is."

"Ah! OW!" Renji yelled as the needle bit into his restrained arm, "I told you, I'm…"

He felt an odd, sick and dizzy feeling pass over him as he caught sight of his blood leaking into a tube.

"Oh," he groaned, "Oh crap…I'm gonna puke."

Byakuya released the kido on most of him and was kind enough to hold a trash bin up so he didn't make a mess when he threw up. When he was finished, he dropped his face onto the examination table, moaning uncomfortably as Unohana taichou took advantage of his situation to also catch him up on his vaccinations.

"Ow! Fucking OW! Quit it already! Sheesh! Damned sadist!"

"I assure you," said Byakuya dryly, "No one here is enjoying your pain, Abarai. Now, be quiet and do what you're told."

"It's all right," the healer said, smiling at them, and heading to the door, "I am finished. You may go. I will let you know when the test results come back."

"Great!" Renji groaned, getting to his feet too quickly as she left.

"Get up slowly, baka," Byakuya said reprovingly.

"Are you kidding?" Renji said, wide-eyed, "You think I'm taking the chance that crazy woman's going to come back in here and suck out the rest of my blood? I'm getting the hell outta here before she comes back!"

He stopped and put a hand to his head as nausea and dizziness swept over him and he started to collapse. Before he could hit the floor, a pair of strong, slender arms wrapped around him.

"Really Abarai," Byakuya scolded him, "If she had cut you with a sword, you wouldn't have put up a fuss at all."

"Yeah," Renji laughed weakly, as everything went dark, "If she did that, I could retaliate…"

Renji wasn't sure how long he was out cold, but when he woke, it was evening and instead of being in the fourth, he was in his quarters, dressed in a comfortable yukata and tucked into bed. He immediately felt embarrassed at the idea of Byakuya carrying him back to the division, but at the same time, he found the thought oddly touching. He shook his head to clear it and climbed out of bed, rubbing his eyes. He heard a soft, unfamiliar footstep in the hallway and opened his door to find Tomio standing near Byakuya's door, dressed in one of the older noble's yukatas and looking around a little nervously. He looked up at Renji and blushed cutely, brushing the tumbled black hair out of his eyes and pulling his yukata more closed.

"Oh, Abarai-san," he said, looking down, "My apologies. I was…well, Byakuya-sama asked me to make some tea. He gave me directions and instructions on how to make it, but…well, I was rather distracted at the time…"

"I can imagine," Renji chuckled, remembering suddenly, the way Byakuya's hands had touched him while they were in bed together.

An odd, sad feeling passed through him and he cleared his throat, fighting off the strange burning in his eyes.

_Why does that thought seem sad? It was just comfort sex. It didn't really mean anything…_

"Don't worry about it," he went on, brushing off the unusual emotion, "I can show you where and how."

He led the young noble down the hallway and into the squad kitchen. Tomio's dark eyes watched him carefully as he prepared the tea. Renji couldn't help but admire the beauty and intelligence of Byakuya's fiancée. He felt happy that the noble was reaching out, but again that odd sadness touched his heart.

"Abarai-san," Tomio said softly, "May I ask you a personal question?"

"Y-yeah," said Renji, glancing up from the stove, "Go ahead…shoot."

"Um…I have to admit that I am a little embarrassed about asking, but I wondered…I mean, Byakuya-sama told me that you had been intimate once recently. And, with the exception of his former wife and myself, he hasn't had any other lovers besides you."

"H-he hasn't?" Renji said, blinking.

"No. In any case, I have had no other lovers besides him and so I worry that I am not doing well enough to please him. It's…it's all right if you don't feel comfortable telling me, but…I just want to know small things, like where he really enjoys being touched and kissed and what kinds of sexual acts he prefers."

Renji felt a soft catch in his heart.

"You uh…really seem to want to make him happy."

"Of course," said Tomio, meeting his eyes shyly, "It is my duty to please him."

"Wh-what?" the redhead said, frowning, "You mean, you two aren't in love?"

"Well," said Tomio, "Truthfully, no. I was chosen to be Byakuya-sama's mate when he came before the council and admitted that he is not able to produce heirs. He said that he had been alone for many years and even though he could not bring heirs, he desired companionship. In such cases, females are not given into marriage, as they have to be saved for marriages that will produce heirs, but since male pregnancies occur less frequently anyway, males are permitted to marry a barren clan member."

"Whoa, wait a sec," Renji said, his mind spinning, "When did all of this happen? And why would Taichou go to bed with me if he was being hooked up with you?"

Tomio smiled.

"We are not sure what made him make the request," he admitted, "but a few of us have speculated that after he was with you sexually, it made him consider his needs as he had not before."

"But we…that was like, two days ago. And in two days, he goes to Hueco Mundo, while also meeting with the council and arranging his marriage? Really?" Renji mused.

Tomio laughed softly.

"Noble ways are…a bit different," he said, by way of explanation, "But yes, we were paired rather suddenly."

Tomio broke off speaking as a stunned, panicked look crossed Renji's face.

"Abarai-san? Are you all right?"

"Tomio-san," Renji said, a little breathlessly, "Did you say that noble males can make another male pregnant?"

"Yes," said Tomio, nodding, "But if you're worried about that night you spent with him, don't be. You won't get pregnant. You see, even if Byakuya-sama could impregnate you, he would have to first be taken by you to awaken his fertility, and then whichever one of you…ah…well…"

"Bottomed?" Renji said, smiling congenially as Tomio blushed more deeply.

"Hah, um, yes," the flustered noble went on, "Whichever received seed would become pregnant. But it means that you have to have sexual relations twice. You are quite safe, I assure you."

"Good," Renji laughed nervously, "It would be really awkward if you two were getting married and I was having his baby, ne?"

"Yes," agreed Tomio, smiling more comfortably, "Although, if that happened, our marriage would be annulled and you two would be married instead."

Renji shook his head and sighed.

"I don't get you guys, not at all," he mused, "Don't any noble's get to marry for love?"

Tomio's eyes softened and grew somewhat troubled.

"Abarai-san, your ways are very different than ours. For all that we are very privileged and powerful, we are also servants…servants of the king. He gives us these privileges in exchange for our families performing crucial tasks and maintaining important alliances. All of that is to keep the peace. It is important work. Did you know, that each of the four great noble clans has one royal assignment that no other has?"

"No," Renji said, shaking his head, "Like what?"

"The Kuchiki clan is charged with keeping a thorough and accurate history of Soul Society. My clan crafts the king's garments. Another clan serves as the king's hogosha, or special protectors, and the fourth guards the dimension wall. In addition to that, all royals are matched in marriage with noble clan members, so at any time, any of us, even Byakuya-sama, himself, can be called to marry into the royal family. Because of this, we do not often marry for love. It is, in fact, a rarity. Byakuya-sama's father, Kuchiki Soujun was an exception. And Byakuya-sama also married once for love…but sadly, it ended in disaster."

"And how do you feel about marrying him? I mean, did you have any choice at all? Excuse me for asking, but are you even homosexual?"

Tomio smiled.

"I have no problem with marrying Byakuya-sama. It is a great honor. And in the short time we have spent in intimacy, he has been gentle. And I always knew that I could be paired with a male or a female, so I am not uncomfortable with being with him that way."

Renji let out a soft breath.

"Wow…I had no idea at all that it was like that. You're right, Tomio, it's different than what I know. I think I'd go crazy if I had to marry someone I didn't love."

"Well then," said the young noble, "You are fortunate to be a peasant, and not a noble born."

"You can say that again," Renji laughed, "Hey, uh, sorry I couldn't be more help, but we were only together once…and we were both kinda drunk, so I'm sure neither one of us remembers all that much. He was really just trying to comfort me."

Tomio's smile faded and his eyes grew curious.

"He was drinking, you say?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, it's just something I was told when I was being prepared to be made his fiancée. Byakuya-sama never drinks sake…unless it is for a formal ceremony or something has hurt him very deeply. I wonder what it was that could have hurt him like that."

Renji's breath caught for a moment, then he let it out, shaking his head.

"I don't know," he lied, "It must have had to do with all of the uproar over the end of the war or something."

"Hmmm," said Tomio, "Perhaps."

He looked down at the tea tray, then back up at Renji.

"Thank you, Abarai-san. I must return to Byakuya-sama now. Good evening."

"Yeah," said Renji, watching thoughtfully as Tomio picked up the tea tray and walked back to Byakuya's room, "Good night."

He sat for a long time, drinking his tea and thinking about what had happened between Byakuya and him.

_I know I hurt him, but I didn't think that it was…like that. And after I picked at him about being so remote, about not being close to anyone…he arranges a marriage of convenience? I really don't get him at all…_

_I thought I understood him, but now I think I haven't got a clue what he's really like inside…_

_Because, when I think about it, it almost seems that while it looks on the surface like he's marrying Tomio so he won't be alone, he's also doing it to avoid…what?_

_Real emotion?_

_Love?_

_What's going on in your head, Taichou?_

_Are you trying to find love?_

_Or are you running away from it?_


	5. Ten Minute in the Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renji gets stuck in the closet and witnesses a very personal exchange between Byakuya and Tomio.

"Abarai fukutaichou," said Rikichi, looking confused, "Sir, I was just sent a hell butterfly from the fourth division! But…it, well sir, it seems to be for you!"

"Huh?" Renji mused, frowning.

"It asked for verification you received the message," the younger shinigami went on, "Apparently, other hell butterflies that were sent to you were not able to deliver their messages."

_Shit. I guess there's no more avoiding it…_

"I am to tell you that the results of your tests have come in, sir. You are to go to the healing center to meet with Unohana taichou immediately."

"N-now? But I'm…kinda busy here…"

"Kuchiki taichou left a standing order that when word came of your results, I was to take over your duties and you were to go, sir."

_Damn…_

"All right. Fine," Renji muttered, "I think I've already had all of the damned shots I'll need for the rest of my freaking life. Ugh…although if something is wrong…"

He sighed resignedly and left Rikichi working quietly at his desk, then left the sixth and walked slowly to the fourth, trying to ignore the fact that his tattoos looked oddly faded in the sunlight and his reiatsu was fluctuating.

_Again?_

"Abarai fukutaichou," said Kotetsu Isane as he entered the fourth, "Unohana taichou is waiting in her office."

"Her office?" repeated Renji, blinking, "Not an examination room?"

Isane laughed softly.

"She thought Abarai-san would feel less threatened if there were not any needles present during your discussion. Go on in."

Renji smiled ruefully, shaking his head in amusement and turned towards the fourth division taichou's office. Unohana taichou looked up and smiled brightly as he entered the office, then gestured for him to sit in the chair facing her desk. She opened the file in front of her and studied it quietly for a moment.

"So…" Renji said, unnerved by the silence, "I guess if you called me back here, you must have found…something, ne?"

"I did," admitted the healer, "but do not worry. The condition that is affecting you is one that will resolve itself."

"That's good news," said Renji, smiling in relief, "So…what now?"

"Well, I wanted to inquire first how you are feeling," Unohana taichou went on, "Have you had more reiatsu anomalies? Odd dreams? More variances in your tattoos?

"Ah…" said the redhead, growing nervous again.

"Abarai fukutaichou," said the healer, an odd pulse in her reiatsu unsettling him even more, "Before you answer, please realize that I already know what your answers should be. I am merely being thorough."

"Huh?" Renji mused, "Then why ask if you already know?"

The healer's smile widened.

"It is necessary to clarify so that I may provide relief of your discomfort," she answered, "So please answer honestly."

"All right," the redhead sighed, "Okay…I guess you can already see my tattoos look weird. Sometimes they look faded, sometimes kinda blurry and some of them even disappear for awhile. Look, that's not going to be…"

"Oh…no, of course not," Unohana taichou said pleasantly, "I assure you that this will resolve itself and you will return to your normal state, so I will address your symptoms directly to make you more comfortable for the duration. Now, why don't you tell me what you are still experiencing?"

"Uh, my tattoos and reiatsu are still acting up. But that's not as bad as the throwing up every morning…and sometimes during the day, if I smell or see something that doesn't agree with me. And I feel stupid saying so, but…it's like…ah hell, I don't know how else to put it. My emotions are kinda fucked up too. I admit, I'm more emotional than Kuchiki taichou and I have a temper…"

"Really?" the healer said innocently, "I hadn't noticed anything like that…"

"Haha…very cute," Renji muttered, "But I'm yelling at everyone. And sometimes I…"

He broke off, blushing.

"What?" Unohana taichou asked, tilting her head.

"Well…I just. Okay, fine! I cry. Are you happy? I admitted it! I cry for no freaking reason I can figure out. TV commercials, something I think of that's sad, people kissing. I know…it's stupid!"

"It's normal for one with this condition, Abarai-san," the healer assured him, "Do not feel bad about it. It will go away…in about seven months."

"Wh-what? S-seven months? It's that bad an illness? Do I have to stay here? Will I get very sick?" Renji asked, going pale, "Just tell me. I can take it, but…"

"Oh, Abarai-san," Unohana taichou said sweetly, "It won't be all that bad. You will need to come in for checkups every few weeks and you will have a short stay at the healing center at the end, but it will not be so bad. And you will have less pain than a living world woman with the same condition."

"Hah," Renji huffed, rolling his eyes, "Lucky me, ne? So ah, what is this disease called? Why haven't I heard about others with it? And how did I even get it? Is it contagious? I wouldn't want Taichou or any of my friends to get it…"

The healer barely managed to suppress a soft giggle.

"Abarai-san, you do not have a disease, but a condition. It is quite common, though usually it is only seen among females and a very few noble males or their partners. And no one will catch it from you, so I can assure you, your friends are safe, as is your taichou."

Renji let out an exasperated breath.

"Unohana taichou, would you please just tell me? What is wrong with me?" he demanded.

"Very well," said the healer, "The condition that is affecting you is an unexpected case of reproduction. In simple terms, you are pregnant."

Renji stared at her, feeling as though he had been stricken in the gut with Omaeda fukutaichou's Gegetsuburi. He let out a wordless gasp and clenched his stomach. Unohana taichou pointed to a trashcan and he flew across the room and dropped to his knees, retching.

"I take it that this is very unexpected for you," the healer said, sympathetically, "My apologies for your discomfort, but there was no gentle way to break such news, ne? It was bound to be a shock."

"Y-you can…fucking say that again!" Renji exclaimed, leaning over the trashcan and retching again.

He panted softly for a moment, trying to catch his breath, then felt his stomach settle. He sat on the floor beside the trashcan, his head spinning with both a feeling of illness and stunned surprise. He gasped softly and turned his head away as he realized that tears were running down his face for no reason he could think of. He felt a gentle touch on his shoulder, but couldn't look up at the healer, who had risen, and was now kneeling in front of him.

"Abarai fukutaichou, do not feel embarrassed," Unohana taichou reassured him, "You were taken very much by surprise…and the chemical and hormonal levels in your body are fluctuating. You should not be ashamed of your reaction. It is natural for something so unexpected to shock your already unbalanced systems."

Renji let out a soft, sobbing chuckle and rubbed his eyes.

"Sorry," he said, sniffing, "See…I cry for no damned reason. I'm not even unhappy really. Sure…it's unexpected, but…it's a kid. It's my kid, right? Why should I be unhappy? I always kinda wondered what it would be like to make a kid. Of course, when I thought about it, I really didn't figure on having the little bundle of trouble myself!"

He froze as a sudden thought struck him.

_"It would be really awkward if you two were getting married and I was having his baby, ne?"_

"Oh…oh shit…" he muttered breathlessly.

"Are you all right, Abarai-san?" asked the healer, "Would you like to lie down?"

Renji shook his head silently, his brow furrowing in distress.

"Are you in pain?" she asked quickly.

"N-no…I feel okay physically. It's just…just…oh hell…"

He staggered to his feet and pulled free of Unohana taichou's hand as she tried to steady him.

"I'm fine. I'm really fine," he said, rubbing his hands over his face, "I just, I need to be alone for a bit…to think about this. I uh…"

"I will have your appointment schedule sent to you," the healer said, her gentle eyes reflecting understanding, "And if you need to talk, Abarai-san, return at any time. I will be happy to help if I can. I understand that this is a surprise for you."

Her eyes held his meaningfully, "After all, this condition usually only happens between nobles and their mates."

_Oh gods…she has to know! Shit…what do I do? What the hell do I do about this?_

He nodded wordlessly and left the fourth division, not having a destination in mind. He encountered a moment of intense frustration at arriving at the sixth, when he knew that was the last place he wanted to be while he was in such a state.

_Why the hell did I come here? Of all places…?_

He sighed resignedly and entered the office, then felt a jolt of relief that Byakuya was not at his desk and didn't seem to be anywhere nearby.

"You're back," said Rikichi, from behind Renji's desk.

The youth rose and smiled at him.

"I hope everything's okay," he said, "I finished all but the last report there. And you'll need to verify the training schedule. Next week's promotions are scheduled and living world and Hueco Mundo deployments are on Kuchiki taichou's desk, awaiting final approval."

"Yeah…okay, thanks," Renji said, feeling oddly relieved at having something normal to do, "Get outta here, okay? Work hours are over. And thanks, Rikichi."

"Oh, no problem, sir."

"Drop the formality," Renji said off-handedly, "We're not on duty anymore."

"Okay…no problem, Renji," Rikichi said, smiling, "I just have to fix the door on Kuchiki taichou's closet and I will go."

"The door…shit, that things broken again? I can't believe how much the division paid for those freaking doors. Sure they're damned pretty, but really! Look Rikichi, I'll take care of the door. You scram."

"You sure you don't want some tea before…?"

"Will you just go get some rest, baka?" Renji said reprovingly, "Go!"

"All right, Renji," laughed Rikichi, "See you tomorrow."

He hurried out the door, leaving Renji alone in the office. Renji watched as he left, shaking his head in amusement. He felt a soft twinge inside as he wondered if the child he was having would turn out like Rikichi…cute, friendly, not so full of himself…but when he tried to think of how his characteristics would blend with Byakuya's, the result was definitely not so cute and friendly.

"He'll probably be a really beautiful little bastard…smarter than me and he'll know it. He'll give us hell, that's…I mean…he'll give me hell…"

"It would be really awkward if you two were getting married and I was having his baby, ne?"

"Yes," agreed Tomio, smiling more comfortably, "Although, if that happened, our marriage would be annulled and you two would be married instead."

"Oh," Renji breathed, placing a hand on his stomach, "I can't think about that yet."

He distracted himself by focusing on his work. He looked down at the paperwork, then opted instead to fix the broken door. Turning out the office lights, Renji moved into the hallway and tapped on Byakuya's door, just to be sure. Hearing and sensing no one inside, he entered the room and closed the door behind him. He walked to the closet and examined the catch and found the tools that Rikichi had set there to be used to fix it. He worked quietly at the jammed mechanism and, after a time, managed to loosen it. When he had it working again, he stood and bent to pick up the tool box that he had set inside the closet. As he did, the door he had been working on suddenly closed and clicked loudly into place. Shaking his head, Renji tried the door and groaned as it refused to open.

"Come on, damn it!" he swore, "I just fucking fixed you!"

He rattled the door, but didn't dare get too rough with it, as Byakuya had told him that he had had the doors specially designed and despite the trouble with them, still loved the way they looked.

"Lucky for you," he told the jammed doors gloomily, "If he didn't like you so much, I'd kick my way out of here!"

He returned to the toolbox, planning to carefully remove the doors, but froze as he heard the outer door open, and then Byakuya's voice.

"I'll be waiting in my quarters."

Shit, what am I gonna do?

Then he heard Tomio's voice and felt panic strike.

"Oh gods, why me?" he whispered, "I don't wanna see them…"

He caught his breath as he heard Byakuya's step outside the closet and the noble's hand turned the doorknob. A flash step later, he was hidden in the back of the closet, behind a collection of formal kimonos that his taichou wasn't likely to be looking for if he was going to bed. He struggled for a moment with his reiatsu and managed to suppress it enough so that he wouldn't be sensed.

_Damn it! How the heck am I gonna get outta here?_

The closet door rattled a few times, then Renji shrank back into the dark corner of the huge closet as it opened and Byakuya walked inside. He studied the group of yukatas and removed two, then left and closed the door behind him.

"Great…"

He heard soft swishing sounds as Byakuya removed his uniform and slipped into a yukata. Renji edged forward and moved to the not quite closed shutters on the door and watched as the noble climbed into the bed and sat with his back against the pillows, studying what looked to be the deployments. A few minutes later, Tomio stepped into the room and set a tea tray down on the nightstand next to the bed.

"I…hope it is better this time, Byakuya-sama," the young man said, blushing, "I am trying."

"Do not concern yourself," Byakuya said, giving his nervous fiancée a calm glance, "It took Renji time to learn how as well. And it is a minor thing."

_Huh…that's not what he told me._

"Tomio," the noble went on, "I know you are anxious at being made my life partner…and perhaps you have regrets…"

"No, Byakuya-sama," Tomio said urgently, "I am not unhappy. I assure you that I am pleased I was chosen for you. I just…I…I don't want to disappoint you. You are…the most powerful leader the Kuchiki clan has ever had. And your clan is the greatest of the noble houses. I am honored, truly. I just worry that Byakuya-sama will regret my choosing."

Renji felt a twinge of sadness at the worried expression on the younger man's face. He was surprised at the gentleness in Byakuya's voice when he responded.

"Regret your choosing?" he repeated softly, "Tomio, a great deal of thought went into your choosing. I assure you, you have not disappointed me in any way. In fact, considering the suddenness of our pairing, I think you are conducting yourself well. I know there are pressures that come with marrying a clan leader, but you are handling them well. Be at ease. Lie down with me."

_Oh…oh, I can't watch this…_

But he couldn't make himself look away.

Tomio yielded a relieved smile and slipped out of his kimono, then donned the second yukata that Byakuya had taken from the closet. Renji bit his lip, cringing slightly and feeling guilty at seeing Tomio's long, wavy hair that trickled prettily down onto his bare back, teasing the eyes into roving lower to take in the sight of his naked, white bottom. He couldn't think about what Byakuya was viewing on the other side, but the soft glint of arousal in the noble's eyes told him plenty.

_Oh, he's so going to kill me if he senses me…_

Relief flooded his body as Tomio wrapped the yukata around himself, but left him again as the young man left the tie undone and climbed into bed next to Byakuya. The noble turned so that he sat face to face with Tomio. He reached out and placed a hand on the younger shinigami's cheek, bringing him in for a kiss of greeting. Tomio's hands clenched softly at the bedding as Byakuya kissed him again and slipped his arms around him.

"I said you should be at ease," Byakuya said, quietly extracting one of Tomio's hands from the bedding and watching as the other loosened and let go, "I do not want you to be so anxious around me. I would like to be at ease with you, Tomio. Will you look at me?"

The younger man sighed softly and raised his eyes to meet Byakuya's.

"We do not have to be intimate tonight if you are not desiring it," the noble told his future mate, "Ours is an arranged coupling, but we will both have times when we feel less like being intimate. And that is understandable."

_I wouldn't have expected him to say something like that. Shit…I wonder if I really understand him at all. Why is he doing this?_

"I am willing," Tomio said quietly, "But…I am curious about something. I hope it will not seem wrong for me to ask…"

"What is it?" Byakuya said, looking into Tomio's widened black eyes.

"Byakuya-sama, I am curious about why…why you chose now to be married to me. You have been without a companion for many years…so…"

He's going to wish he'd just had sex with him and not asked questions…

"Your reputation is that of a cold, powerful man," Tomio went on, "and certainly, you can be like that. I have seen it. But…you are…different with me. I know you are not in love with me. So why? Why are you being so kind to me? You could certainly demand whatever you want and I am determined to please you. But I sense you are careful in what you ask of me. It is…as though…you want distance between yourself and others. But you seek closeness with me. Why Byakuya-sama? If you are not in love with me, then why?"

Renji didn't know why, but the question left him holding his breath.

"Legacy," Byakuya said softly.

"L-legacy?" repeated Tomio, hardly daring to believe the noble had answered.

"I will tell you something that I have told no one else…and you are never to repeat it."

"Of course, Byakuya-sama," Tomio promised.

"I went before the Kuchiki council and I told them that I was unable to bring forth an heir. But…that was a lie."

"What?" queried Tomio, his brow furrowing.

"I told that lie because I do not want to have an heir."

"B-but that means that I could…become pregnant?" mused Tomio, "Because we…"

"You won't become pregnant," Byakuya said quietly, "Because of an indiscretion that took place years ago, I gave myself to someone…and that man relieved me of the burden of family…well, except that I was obligated to take Rukia in because of my promise to Hisana."

Tomio's eyes widened and his trembling hands touched the noble's face tentatively.

"You still mourn her. I see it in your eyes."

"I lost my wife and our unborn child, Tomio," Byakuya confessed in a soft, very unKuchiki-like manner, "and afterwards, I didn't want that burden again."

"Byakuya-sama…" Tomio whispered, keeping his hands on the noble's face as he continued.

"It was on the day that I went to adopt Rukia into the family. I was…shocked by how much she resembled her sister…and after talking to her, I left the academy and I went back to Inuzuri. I don't know why. I needed to feel close to her."

_He was there too? But…_

Renji was jolted by a sudden memory.

_"I don't have anything for pain, but we do have the sake," he told the man._

_His companion groaned softly again, but quietly accepted several deep swallows from the sake bottle._

_"Arigato," he said calmly._

_Shit, even his voice is beautiful. Who is this guy?_

_"N-no problem. Who…?"_

_"It doesn't matter."_

_He saw the look in the man's eyes then…the deep sadness that seemed to mirror his own. Smiling sadly, he took a few swallows of sake, then shared a few more with the other man. He seemed to drop off to sleep, or at least into some kind of oblivion as Renji kept drinking and his eyelids grew heavy. Having only one blanket and mat, he curled up next to the man, to share their warmth, and drifted off to sleep._

_He woke the next morning to find himself naked and alone, his clothing on the floor by the mat and the rest of the room left untouched. He caught the scent of sakura in the air for a moment, then let it out in a long sigh._

_"I hope you are okay."_

_He didn't know why he said it. The man was long gone and he'd probably never be back. And if Renji planned to not get thrown out of the academy, he knew he had to go back to the Seireitei. He got up and started to gather his clothes, then happened to look down and noticed a telltale stickiness on his flaccid member. He shivered at the traces of blood there and along one inner thigh. He was stricken then with a dim memory of pale hands reaching for him in desperation, senseless and wet gray eyes looking up at him…a warm mouth seeking his…slender legs wrapping around him…_

_Shared misery._

,em>Damn, I wish he hadn't left…

"That…was him?" Renji whispered, "But he…he had no spiritual pressure at all. How could it be…?"

But he remembered Tomio's words also.

_"But if you're worried about that night you spent with him, don't be. You won't get pregnant. You see, even if Byakuya-sama could impregnate you, he would have to first be taken by you to awaken his fertility, and then whichever one of you…ah…well…"_

_"Bottomed?" Renji said, smiling congenially as Tomio blushed more deeply._

_"Hah, um, yes," the flustered noble went on, "Whichever received seed would become pregnant. But it means that you have to have sexual relations twice. You are quite safe, I assure you."_

He listened raptly as Byakuya went on.

"I let my guard down, because of my misery and I was attacked. As I lay nearly unconscious, I felt warm hands lift me. Someone picked me up and took me somewhere quiet…and healed me as best he could. He gave me sake, for the pain. And while we were parted from our senses, we…were together sexually. It was unexpected, and I saw it as a gift. I am…deeply grateful to that person for lifting the burdens of love and family from my shoulders. I gave my heart to Hisana and to our child, but it wasn't enough to keep them alive. I couldn't bear to have that happen again. But even though I cannot let myself fall in love…I was reminded recently that it is important to have someone to be connected with…someone to know you better than others, someone to hear your confessions and to keep your secrets…someone to mourn you in full knowledge of who you were, when you are gone. That…is why, Tomio…why I went before the council, and it is why you were chosen. We all need a place to leave our hearts. And I have burdened you with mine."

The moonlight coming in through the window lit a tear that leaked from one of Tomio's eyes and ran down his face. He pulled Byakuya closer and kissed him gently on the lips.

"Your heart is safe with me," he whispered, resting his head on the noble's shoulder, "I understand."

Renji's hand slipped down and pressed against his stomach, his eyes filling with tears as he watched Tomio move forward and slide onto Byakuya's lap. The two fell silent, their lips meeting gently as Tomio took the older man's length inside him.

_It was him._

_He was the man with me in Inuzuri, and that was the first time._

_And the other time was…_

_Oh gods, this really is his baby…and he really doesn't want this!_

_What the hell am I going to do?_

He watched with stunned eyes as the two shinigamis moved against each other, their mouths meeting repeatedly and sharing deep, open-mouthed kisses.

_And damn it, maybe Tomio is what he really needs…not to be saddled with me…like this. ___

Byakuya's hands slid down the younger man's back and settled on Tomio's perfect bottom. They tightened as the younger noble kissed him harder, his breath shortening and his soft moans carrying across the room and through the closet door.

"B-byakuya-sama…don't be sad anymore," he whispered, "You don't have to be alone anymore. I am here."

Byakuya moved forward, bringing Tomio down onto his back and thrusting deeply into him. His head turned slightly and Renji could see the relieved expression, the repressed tears of gratitude…everything he held back. Tomio's hands clenched him tightly and his body went taut as pleasure overcame him. Byakuya too, went still, on top if the younger man, his face calmer and more peaceful as he released into Tomio. He offered his fiancée a sweet, heart melting kiss and withdrew, laying back on the pillow and closing his eyes. Tomio sat up slowly, hesitating for a moment. Then, abandoning his yukata, he curled into Byakuya's arms and brought his head to rest on the clan leader's shoulder.

"I promise," he whispered, "that I will not burden you with love or family, Byakuya-sama."

Renji waited until he was sure they slept, and then fled to his own room, running into the bathroom and turning on the shower to hide the sounds of his misery.

_Damn it! Why did this have to happen? Why us? He doesn't want to fall in love and he doesn't want this baby!_

_And I understand why now._

_What am I going to do?/em >_

_What the hell can I do?_


End file.
